twelve musical instruments in sync til the brass drops out,
first the trombone then the trumpet,
then the sax and last the flute,
the strings hung on but faltered until finally
that one violin even tired out
and i was alone on my knees straining to hear
afraid of what i might
and exhausted by the faith of it all,
i finally let go and collapsed face down
on the carpet
allowing myself to believe nothing
if it was necessary
everyone thinks it's easier to not believe
but they were so wrong,
trying to let go was the most active thing i've ever done.
when id wrestled with the wind long enough
i lay nearly still
and i waited afraid of what was next.
then you came
a tiny thrum
on the drum of my heart
and it was a safe sound
love.
just love.
not an "ought"
not a "must"
don't be scared, not a gavel.
just love.
the noun, not a verb.
not yet, don't rush it.
and the thrum got a little stronger when i let it.
because maybe it was always there, maybe it wasn't.
omniscience, predestination, those weren't the point anymore.
accepting those weren't hard;
releasing them was though.
and you didn't have to prove it finally,
you could just let it be true for you.