The world begins at a kitchen table.


The world begins at a kitchen table.  My mother taught me this.  Women taught me this.

The world begins at a kitchen table, and so do we.

It's where the babies bang on their highchair trays, little hands waving for you to spoon more food faster.

Where later they practice their pincer grips by picking up Cheerios.  They push a little hoop around so long the mom has to sit on her on her own hands trying not to help.  The grandma cheers them on, because she already knows eventually they'll get it.

Later, the toddler practices their new words at supper.  Eventually, one evening they demand a "real" fork in place of their plastic baby spoon, and we watch them anxiously as they practice with that scary trident.

The table my parents sanded and refinished for me is where I first heard about my son's school day, "Fine," and my daughter's,"Also fine."

It's where we lingered after supper to play games, because that was when we would actually hear about their days went.  

One afternoon after school, I taught them to play poker at that table just so I wouldn't have to play Monopoly for the eleventeenth time.  I gathered all the change in the house, and my daughter won $2.60.  My son was a good player, but couldn't resist going, "All in!" on every hand.  That night with their dad, they asked him to play.  When he got out pretzel sticks for betting, they said, "Pfffttt, we play for money."  And they did.  Years later in high school, the youngest would hustle her friends at Ping Pong club and make money for more Shein crop tops.

After the divorce, I took my table to the new apartment.  There were only three of us.  It was different.  It was weird.  Having a family table felt like a lie.  It went against a wall with the fourth chair at my desk.  I mourned and fretted the change for them.  We ate in front of the tv like we'd never been allowed in the past.  It was easier.  Different was uncomfortable, but backwards was impossible.

Eventually though, the little table became something else.  

The youngest woman in the home found the table.  My daughter would come in from school, and go straight to the table.  She'd lean against the wall (so the wall wasn't so sad after all), and she'd have a little privacy on her phone.  As I passed by, I'd hear young voices from Facetime call, "Hey, Miss Pam!"  I loved it, but it was a time not to walk around in your pajamas too much.

She and her friend wrote raps for history projects at the table.  They'd practice over and over until they could record it without laughing, taking breaks to eat premade ham and cheese sliders from Food Lion.  

In high school, she and her friends painted on little canvases at the table, made gingerbread houses, whispered about things when I passed to get something out of the oven.  No, not oven.  Let's be honest, part of the new place was that not much happened in that oven... 

which proves that kitchen tables aren't always about food, I guess.  And they aren't always what they begin as.  Neither are we.









Pink Craftsman Trap House

 You said you'd build me a house.

Can it be a pink Craftsman trap house?  Wait-scratch that.  I just looked up "trap house." I think I mean a pink house next door to that one.

Can we take care of everyone who visits?  Can there be a rooftop lounge - wait put a high rail on that thing.  You can go up at night and teach the happy stoned ones about stars, while I roam through the house swaddling the sleepy ones in soft blankets.

And can we take turns choosing the playlists?  Different rooms need different vibes.  Put a pin in that for now, all I know is that I want to take care of the ones that are stoned and earnest.  Oh, that's all of them?  I guess I've never been stoned, but I know all about earnest.  

And then we tuck them in beds - or at least tight sleeping bags, so they don't roll off the roof.  And we go to our own bed to sleep under a pile of sloppy dogs.  

When everyone wakes, we make sausage and eggs and hydrate them with electrolyted coffee.  And I will tell them about the years that, almost every night, I went to bed melancholy like them, but how in the morning, anything is possible.  

 Afterwards, you take them out in the sunshine and let them chop at the big tree stump, so they feel capable and accomplished.  

Then I will dress them in soft sweaters knitted by the vegans next door, and they start the day with hope.  

Because what I'm really saying is that somedays this world is the trap house, isn't it?  And everyone gets weary.  But every morning is a clean slate in the pink craftsman house.🖤

the best kind

I wake having slept,
the best kind of waking.
I slept having worked,
the best kind of sleeping.
I worked then I played,
the best kind of working.
I played, laughed, and hugged,
the best kind of living.
And now I start again,
at a desk with a fat mug of coffee
and colored pencils standing tall in a jar,
their little heads pointing up 
in a sun salutation
saying, "Hey, c'mon, Honey -
let's do it all again today!"


 

When I say "moms," I guess I mean Maurice. But maybe you have a mom like Maurice too. I hope so.

My mom is 34.
In my mind, my mom is frozen at 34.  This would be an ideal start to a dramatic ode where a woman died tragically young.  In reality, my mom is trucking right along at 81 today.  But that's the thing about moms.  You just count on them to be there, the way and age you need them to be.  And if you're a lucky child - and I was - and if they are healthy, they are just there being your mom, quietly making the entire world work around you.
And that's okay.

You don't really need your mom to be exciting or cool or hot shit.  And you don't find out how cool they are 'til later.  
And that's okay.  
Because your mom is also the only one in the house who knows what suppositories are, and when they are necessary.  And you don't need that person to be flashy or theatrical.  You just need them to be determined enough for both of you to fake a little amateur medical practice.

Moms worry about everyone in the family, including the dad.  So sometimes the kids worry about the dad too.  But no one really worries about the mom.
And that's okay.
Because remember, she's 34 and 34-year-olds are pretty tough.
Moms are always quietly staying in shape, sneaking off to some Jane Fonda workout class.  Because they are the ones in the family in charge of knowing about things like osteoporosis and how to ward it off.  They hold this information until you are 40, and need to know it.

Moms are sweet and can teach you how to swaddle a baby as tight as a Chipotle burrito, but also dark and belly laugh at Fargo when the body rolls down the stairs tangled in shower curtain.  
And that's okay.
Because moms have seen things, and need to laugh hard to balance it out.  And by the time you notice them laughing, you are old enough to notice how tough and clever they are.

My mom is the only one whom I've let read the little book I wrote.  It was not funny or cute.  I didn't want to inflict it on anyone.  BUT I did inflict it on my mom.  See?  See how we don't worry about moms?
They are the keeper of the all their kids' struggles.  And if you're a lucky child - and I am - you've got a mom you can tell them to.
And she wants you to.  
 
This is the tiniest bit about moms, but did I mention that at my new job I have to be there at 8am to unlock the doors to the clinic?  And if I don't, other people's moms who are patients will just be standing around outside waiting to get in?  Because moms are also on time.

Happy Birthday to Maurice.  Today she is 35.

how to love

Teach me how to love you,
then let's teach each other how to love ourselves.
Let me show you my favorite pet,
show you how she has six different types of fur,
touch each one, from the roughest to the softest,
and even one stripe that grows backwards like
a super hero.
And as i guide your hand to feel the secrets of her,
you see how I love her, don't you?
Somehow, I think that may be the secret of learning to
love a person:  to learn how they love.
We take each way we have been loved,
and pass it on the best we know how.
It is fumbly and messy, but the effort shows
the love.

tree skirts

My new trees wear skirts of ivy.
I don't know them yet, but I will.
Today I sat on my new porch and 
I can't say I studied them, because my mind
was too still.
Too spent.
I just leaned back on the step and received.
I named them for us - for our kids - for our life.
I remembered my first trees named for the women
who guided me.  Jes, Stacey, Hendrix and Pat by proxy.
I remembered the day I led Walker to one and told him
he had to see the crazy weird eggs I'd found in the hollow of one.
It took him a minute to realize they were chewy mini Sweetarts 
I'd planted earlier that morning.
I'm still proud of that prank.
I wonder what these new ones will hold.
you are an amalgamation.  
don't for a minute believe that anyone knows you completely.  
even the people who study you closest, 
even you yourself, 
as soon as you assume you are finite, a new part of you peeks out 
or maybe even forms.  
you hold eternity inside.  
call it god, call it the stars, call it science and the wonder of biology, 
but know that it's true.  
there's no shame in wanting a person to find you fascinating.  but remember when you had to learn it first?  don't forget it now.