"I love your writing. You are one of the few women who inspire me." [elder at my former church]
"I don't like any female comedians, but I like you." [a mostly-sober guy at comedy club]
In my 20s, 30s, and early 40s, when I was commended for my performance in these areas, my gut reaction was "Awesome! I made it. I've crossed barriers and won over the unexpected fan. I must be exceptionally clever to challenge his prior opinions." I felt honored and complimented.
I am a late bloomer. I no longer feel either.
In addition, I apologize to the women who learned this years ago, because when you spoke out, inwardly I judged you for your angry indignation.
I was wrong.
Since then, I've learned those "compliments" were not compliments. They were highly offensive. When someone tells you they like you or your work as a member of a race/gender/group in this fashion, they are telling you that they like it because you are not what they usually think of your group. You surprised them. They did not expect you to offer them something they could find from someone in their own class of humans.
On reflecting, I realize how little they expected from me as a woman - from women in general. I took the compliment gratefully, because somewhere deep inside of me, maybe I didn't expect much from women either. I wanted to be one who crossed over gender lines. I wanted my words to be palatable to men. I thought of it as playing tennis: When I look for a tennis partner, I want to "play up," with a better partner so I am challenged and play better. I don't want to plunk around the court with someone who plays worse.
Shame on me for believing this was "playing up."
I guess I'm grateful for their honesty. I sense there is a self-congratulatory feeling that they've been open and accepting to new ideas. Honestly, they were pleasantly surprised. And maybe because they were open enough to be surprised once, they will be more open to others in the future. Weirdly hopeful in a gross way.
A strength that grew out of this underestimation is that women or any other group late to the party in receiving rights has the strength of being flexible and adaptable. This is out of necessity. We expect to be inspired, entertained, taught by different genders and races. We must. I don't mean we are born better or stronger, we just haven't had as many choices. If for no other reason, quantity-wise, for centuries we haven't had film, literature, comedy made by as many people like us - readily available anyway. If we limited ourselves to teachers like us, we would have a very narrow scope. I realize my choices are vast compared to those of my grandmother or great-grandmother, but the disparity exists still.
A scary thought is that I was born in 1971 and thought I was beyond being affected by gender issues.
I played the life-game well; I have been privileged. In my 20s, I didn't know the underlying problems and prejudices, because honestly, they didn't blocked my major life choices. This is because of women who fought for me years before I was born. They were angry, and I didn't have to be.
Thank you women.
Thank you.
I know why you were angry, and I'm sorry I once wished you'd been a little cuter and softer and more winsome in your behavior. I am so so sorry. Because I was privileged is most likely the reason I was able to choose and even promote the conservative theology of gender roles. While I wasn't raised under it, I opted in as an adult.
In the conservative church, there is strong emphasis on gender roles being equal, but different. It can be very scary to some people when gender roles get blurred. I remember back in the 90s people freaking out because fashion trends became androgynous. Calvin Klein made a fragrance called CK One that was for anyone. We could have learned more about people's needs from that. Instead I saw the conservative church double-down and teach gender roles stridently, polarizing men and women in a way my parents didn't even quite understand. I remember describing things I was taught in women's bible studies and her thinking we were going backwards towards roles she hadn't even lived through. In the early 2000s, books and bible studies like Bringing up Boys, Wild at Heart, and a Vision for Biblical Womanhood were the top choices in my church.
In conservative theology, the message is that there are two different genders. Each gender has roles, but these roles are equal. This theology supports the foundation for complementariansim in church leadership as well, precluding women from being in leadership as pastors, elders or teachers over anyone but children and other women. They can "share" in a group with males, but not teach.
Supposedly, the genders complement each other, at best in a beautiful way ordained by God. I'm not saying that this can't happen. BUT hardly anyone fits any role or gender perfectly. That alone maybe isn't a good argument for tossing out a set of ideals. However, I'd offer just this: If you implement a system of "separate but equal" roles and rights for any race, gender or people group, be sure to ask people on BOTH sides of that system how it's working for them.
And ask regularly. Because there are some people who sense immediately that things are askew. Because a system looks correct from your side does NOT mean it is working.
I imagine conservatives are having a much harder time now that many say gender is a spectrum and that gender is not divided into two simple categories. I cannot speak personally for the church's opinion because I've left it. I CAN speak to my experience knowing a wider variety of people though. And I value that much more. I'd rather learn people than systems or theories.
The more people you know, the more you know that no one fits a stereotype or gender perfectly. If you see someone who appears to fit, I'd wonder how comfortable they are internally. If you don't know a gay man who has chosen to marry to a woman because he believes it is God's will that he suppress his sexuality...well then, you haven't been to enough conservative churches. Am I saying it's not his choice to do that? Of course not. I'm only saying I don't think it is necessary.
I'd argue that the more we are different, the more we are the same. Let's all expect less and more from each other. Less assuming we know what someone feels and thinks based on their gender and more assuming we are similar in our basic human desires to love and be loved, respect and be respected, and cherish and be cherished.
Today, if that elder told me he was rarely inspired by women writers, I'd say, "Honey, then you aren't reading enough writing by women." And when that man told me women comediennes never made him laugh, and his girlfriend agreed by saying, "IT'S TRUE! Women don't make him laugh!" I'd take her aside and say, "Why the hell are you dating him?" And then I'd lead her away for a long chat while he had a chance to learn more on his own.
