In a dating app profile, I saw a man say, "I want someone who knows what I'm thinking just by looking at me." My first thought was, "Oh Honey, aren't you old enough to know better than that by now?" To be fair, I get it. I remember wanting that when I was younger, like last Tuesday. But I didn't want it really, not like I did in my 20s.
When I was younger and trying to find a CAREER and a MATE and my PURPOSE IN LIFE, I was looking for clues everywhere. I thought of those three things in the giant letters of a movie marquee, and I was on the quest to find them. Any input from others was welcomed. I wanted clarity and direction. And above all, I wanted to be known.
Personally, I believe we all want to be known deeply and accepted as we are, freckles, imperfections, weird blogs and all. But I also think certain personality types can find too much comfort in other people taking the controls in their lives and telling them who they are.
On the upside, it can be helpful to have people speak into your life and tell you what positive traits or gifts they see in you. Their input feels like a nudge towards a path that helps you contribute to society effectively. In my 20s, I was desperate for any nudge. I read once that Gen X-ers never really saw themselves with a long-term future and that many of us believed we'd die young simply because of that. What a cheerful bunch we are! Many of us have changed careers multiple times. And the changing didn't seem strange because we were all doing it. But strange or not, the flailing and floundering can make you feel pretty lost. Anyone offering an opinion or some direction felt like a big help.
The flailing and floundering was mirrored in my younger relationships. Was it because of my personality, generation or simpy being human? I'm not sure, but I know some things have changed for me now that I'm 49. I was married 17 years. I was in a conservative church 20 years. How all of that intertwines would take a lot of time to unpack, but I know that it does. For now I will say simply that there was something alluring about anyone (human or god) who offers all the answers about life or your purpose. And in many conservative christian marriages, it is not unusual for the man to be considered the head and have final say in the home and relationship. This might enrage certain people (it does me now), but to some personality types it can feel like a respite from trying to find direction and making a million choices. I do NOT mean that is why everyone in that type of marriage or church chooses it, but it might be why some go along with it more easily than others. It was for me.
Even outside of religion, it's a common theme you hear in people looking for relationships. We want to be known and understood. We don't want to slog through having to explain every bit of ourselves or our principles or even our jokes. Like that man in the dating app, we want someone to look at us and just know what we are thinking. It sounds sweet, magical and restful. And it happens. It happens often in friendships and dating; there are people who just get each other. And it's wonderful. But now...now that I know myself better, I don't need it as much. And I try to remind myself that I should not assume I know another person so well.
A word to those of us who believe we are intuitive sorcerers: we may be. And thank goodness because it is great helpful trait. However, take two extra minutes to ask the person you're "reading" whether you have intuited correctly. I promise you won't be sorry. I prefer people ask me rather than tell me for two reasons:
1) I know best about myself; and
2) I may not know that I know best until I am asked.
Often when I am asked how I feel, I have no idea how to answer. Some of you have seen me go blank. I can't put it into words. A counselor asked me (weekly and not for free) and I'd stare with my mouth hanging open while minutes and money ticked past. Or I'd say, "Um....bad.....but also....good." She learned to give me a sheet of emotions and tell me to choose some. It was one of the most helpful lessons I have ever learned. Sometimes if you are asked how you feel or what profession you'd enjoy or even what kind of person you'd like to be or be with, you may not be able to answer quickly or at all. When you don't answer, some of us will jump in and tell you. Some of us will jump in and even say God told us what you should do. All we really need sometimes is a sheet of choices or a little more time.
Now when people tell me, "You are a person who does X and loves X," I know to say, "Yes" or "Well sometimes," or "No. Not really. I see why you may think that but no." Usually, the other person is just trying to affirm you, relate to you, or be helpful (like you do when a person is mute with a panicked blank stare).
In my 20s, I ate this up. It made me feel grounded and closer to the person. In my 40s, I want to be asked who I am. Even if it's hard for me to answer, I have learned no one knows me better than I know myself--even if I'm still getting to know me. I feel stronger and more capable when a person believes that about me and reminds me. Likewise, I have to remind myself to not believe I know anyone better than they know themselves, whether they can verbalize it or not. Maybe I need to let their mouth hang open an extra minute before I jump in, OR simply take a guess and ask if I'm right or wrong.
In summary, being in your 40s is kind of nice. I'm a little more obstinate than I used to be. I find myself saying, "No, Nuh uh" a lot more often. It's not as pleasant for the people around me, but I'd still choose it.