When someone asks the group, "Where should we eat?" or "What should we watch?" are you the person who always says, "Doesn't matter. Anything is fine?" If so, you may relate to the following.
There are a million reasons it may not matter to you. Personally, when I say it, I mean it. I feel it, for different reasons at different times. Maybe being together is my highest priority. I've met that goal by showing up, so the details are no big deal to me. Maybe I feel there are enough opinions being expressed; why throw another mine in the ring if it's not a strong one? Maybe I feel other people care a lot, and I will save my choices for topics that mean more to me. In other words, I like to pick my battles. Am I really going to fall on the sword of La Fiesta or Mi Pueblo?
This minute, some of you in High Point, North Carolina just thought a
definite choice out of those two restaurants. And some of you
out-of-towners have follow up questions about the salsa, service,
and atmosphere and are thinking, "Those things MATTER, and I need more
information, because I definitely have a preference."
This message is not for you.
For some of us, however, maybe - just maybe - we can't risk others not feeling 100% pleased or happy as a result of our choices.
I am 48. Hopefully, the rest of you learned this lesson much younger. It's a better lesson to discuss with a child or teen, but they are on some new app we haven't found yet, so I'll talk to y'all.
Some of us our natural people pleasers. That's not a bad thing. Maybe we were born more easy-going or adaptable in certain situations; I don't know. I do know that some of us need to exercise our choice muscles before they atrophy.
A restaurant or movie decision may be a silly example. But if you avoid making choices in enough small areas, you may lose confidence in your capability of making choices in big areas.
I did.
Most of my life, it was easy for me to be around people with strong
opinions and lots of confidence. I didn't have to wrestle with
decisions if they made them for me. But I don't want to live like
that. Because guess what I've learned. Often, the person making a
decision doesn't know me or the situation as well as I do. Sometimes,
the person doesn't care about the outcome or the parties involved as much
as I do. And if you are sweating over an important decision so much that you feel frozen like a deer in the headlights, you probably care as much or more than anyone else.
That makes you a perfect person to choose the outcome. You may see your
hesitation as inability, but maybe it signifies how much you care.
I've noticed something watching my children. If you watch two or more children make a group decision, you learn a lot. One kid may boldly state their choice. Another may argue with him about it. A third may offer a choice timidly, but back down quickly if the group expresses any negative response to her idea. Some people are unfazed by the negative reaction, and dig their heels in deeper; others can't handle it.
My point is there is small group of people, who may not even realize why they let others make their choices. So, now I try to ask myself whether I am avoiding making choices or decisions that involve other people because:
1) I believe there is a PERFECT answer and I might not guess it, or a CATASTROPHIC answer and I might nail it;
2) I don't trust my own opinion as much as I trust everyone else's;
3) I cannot handle that moment of "ew" on a face if I choose something that's displeasing for another person, even if they agree to it;
4) I cannot tolerate possible judgement over choosing something others wouldn't choose.
For the people who find choosing difficult, I offer this: When others make choices, you probably are not judging them harshly. In the dinner example, it's one meal. You are probably the type of person who thinks that too, i.e., "It's one meal; we are together. What else matters?" So you ate what they wanted for one meal, who cares? You love them. Well, turn that around, and ask yourself, don't they love you too? Aren't you worth one meal? Let them do the same for you. I don't mean take the nut allergy girl to Texas Roadhouse and roll her around on the floor in the peanut shells, but otherwise, what's the big deal? YOU do it for others all of the time, I bet. If you're a parent, you do it for your kids constantly. They are not too young to learn you need a turn choosing too.
My kids are now teenagers. It feels more important than ever for them to be able to express their choices and yes's and no's in a group or intimate setting. I want them to be able to speak up for what they want or don't want even if met with opposition - especially in the face of opposition.
This is a small practice, but when we are choosing a meal, an activity, etc., I ask one of my kids to choose. I tell the rest of us not to react negatively, because we will get our turns the next time. There is sometimes still eye-rolling or an "ew," but that's a good lesson too. I try not to let the chooser back down. Pressing through the "ew" is important. And more importantly than that, I want them to know they are valuable. They are as important as anyone else, and if someone has to sacrifice a bit for them, they are worth it.
And you are too.
Update: I wrote this three years ago. These days, we just eat at Chipotle. Always. Everyday. And then some.