I've struggled the last few years to pray. After decades of praying regularly, I find myself stumped often. One obstacle is my theology, which has been changing shape. But the real obstacle is addressing an entity that I've always addressed as male. The idea of going to a man to ask for mercy or help, makes me angry and defensive.
When I do begin to pray, I feel my walls go up. I have friends who suggest addressing god as Creator, Love, the Universe, etc. Sometimes I will start to pray saying "Divine Mother" or "Love," but the maleness of god has been so ingrained, that it doesn't really work. It feels like I'm saying, "Divine Mother," and then to the side, "Okay, I need to call you female for now, but you understand why, right Mr. God? We both know you're really male." By that point, I'm a little sidetracked, and can't remember what I was going to pray. In other words, I can't get around my own notion of god's maleness.
In my 20s when I first began attending a conservative church, I learned lots of verses and "proof" God was a father. I remember feeling lucky, because my own dad was a good selfless dad, and therefore, it wasn't a difficult leap to see god as a father. I worried for people who had abusive, absent or difficult dads. It seemed like an unfair hurdle to embracing God as Father.
These days, intellectually, I give zero cares what gender god is. Actually, I'm not too worried that god is portrayed as any gender. Emotionally, however, it's a hindrance. At times, it feels like some sort of horrible practical joke. Oh? Having trouble with men? Need help? Okay, beg this giant powerful man for help, and maybe he'll answer. If I have trouble, don't some other women struggle? What about people who feel lost in their gender or have changed it? Okay, what about almost anyone at one time or another? Those "liberal teachings" I was warned about that maybe Christianity and the bible were shaped and filtered through a patriarchal lens feel very...true...accurate...on point.
When I ask how "God" (THIS portrayal of God, I mean) understands women, the justification is that "He is all powerful and all knowing and created us, so he understands everyone." I understand that, but it feels a bit like saying you need a tampon, then being sent to the male CEO, because (although he's never used one), he keeps a stash on hand. Well, um...thanks, but how 'bout god just BE every type of human, not just be empathetic or good at "relating." Well now I've said tampon, and it's all any of us are thinking about, but I refuse to delete it. I've heard whole Sunday school classes on circumcision and foreskins. I think we can handle it.
As for the argument that using one pronoun simplifies things, as in grammar where we may say "he" but it means "mankind?" It no longer holds water. I love grammar, but frankly, maybe we need new language. We are a clever and nerdy people; I'm sure we can figure it out.
As a bit of background, please know that for two decades, I was a big cheerleader for the conservative doctrine. I studied and taught the bible joyfully. I could answer in two minutes and three verses why God was a male father. My point is, if I'M feeling weird about this doctrine, what are the odds I'm unique? I'm probably just late to the party. I'm late to most parties. If that's true, there are bajillions of people before, alongside and after me that have the same issue.
My message to the conservative church is this:
When left with a small view of God, people will turn to humans or something else. As I've struggled to pray to some Man in Charge of the Universe, I've noticed MORE support and love in the people around me, and even in myself, than what was coming from that "God." And I have had thoughts like, "Screw it; I trust my parents, sister and brother and friends way more than I trust whatever that Guy is doing. I trust myself to be in control of my life more than that Mister Power."
BUT those people and myself, our love and goodness...that IS God in them and me. Don't make god so small. I think by trying to make "Him" big enough to understand everyone, but still as a "Him," we've actually made god smaller. You're really just throwing people off god's scent. And I know that's not your intention.
If I can believe in a god, God is an Artist, Creator, Helper big enough not to worry about pronouns and details. They are bigger, wider, brighter and way more varied that some little guy you made one type of parent, one gender, one sexuality. Don't get so worried god can't handle the diversity. Let god be what god needs to be, what god IS, and let people sort the rest out one on one with god.
Love,
A Later Bloomer