Every year, our company gives each employee a frozen turkey for Thanksgiving. And they don't play around; these are no turkey breasts. They're huge. I don't know exactly what they weigh, but they'd definitely face front in an infant car seat.
We've gotten these turkeys for 11 years. A great gift for a great cook...but I'm not a great cook, so I never baked ours. Some years it sat in our freezer for two months hogging all the room until I finally needed to squeeze in my Marie Callendar's Power Bowls, and it went in the trash. So wasteful, I know. One year, in our younger condominium days, we threw it over the balcony into the ravine. It did not fly.
Last year, however, I decided it was time to mom-up and cook the gobbler. First, I had to buy a meat thermometer, and find a recipe. I removed that bag of naughty bits without trouble - I'm not squeamish - but then things got interesting.
I'm standing there washing that bird in the sink, and I find that I'm treating it just like my kids when they were babies getting a bath in the sink. Under the arms, down the back, around the hindquarters...no spot left unscrubbed. Spread the legs out a little to clean in the chubby creases. Really, the turkey began to seem uncomfortably close to a human. When I finished with the washing, I had to rub olive oil all over it. When my kids were babies, I never tried baby massage, but now I know exactly how it feels: like applying sunscreen to a one-year-old. I may or may not have spoken to it in a calming voice.
By the time I finished, I knew there was no way I was going to be able to eat this turkey. We were just too close, yet, I couldn't stop the process. I lay him out to sunbathe - I mean, I put him in the oven - and tried not to think too much Later, the family tried to eat it, but of course it was undercooked. Has anyone ever not undercooked their first turkey?
I don't feel ready to face another turkey. My mom assures me cooking a turkey breast is not nearly as disconcerting, but to me it simply sounds like the difference between caring for a toddler or a premie.