from my early 20s until the age of 46, my life's purpose felt like studying the bible and praying to understand god's will in most situations. what do i do now? just get hobbies? nothing seems as important as what i was doing--even though i don't believe in doing that anymore.
i still want to understand life and receive help and guidance to parent my children well, to know, how to behave, what choices to make in relationships, what to do financially and professionally, and any other big life decision. all of these issues i used to decide through prayer and studying the bible.
these days, i ask my parents more questions. i ask other people some. but mostly i'm in my head or just feeling flat about it. reading other books feels like just getting some opinion i don't necessarily trust. it's how many people feel about the bible i suppose. i believe now that people influenced by their own humanity wrote it--more specifically men wrote it. i believe now that context and culture and time period influenced it. basically, all of the things that i heard people say for years, but that i disagreed with and assumed they were nonbelievers or too liberal for believing what i just said were onto something.
i've been afraid to open the bible the last few years. i'm not exaggerating. it had such a power on me, and i disagree with so many parts of that power now, that i don't trust myself to read it without being influenced negatively. and yet, simultaneously, i often feel extreme for taking that away from my children.
there was a comfort in religion. there is community, but also a peace in being told exact, clear, correct answers to everything exist, and that you have access to them through prayer, study, and a holy spirit.
i heard a pastor say that some churches make rules such as no dancing or no drinking, etc. because it is easier to be black and white than grey. he said there is a tension in deciding what to do in a certain situation or moment when you allow things to be grey, and that this tension is valuable. conversely, saying a simple NO to many things eliminates the need to think and pray. his point was that it's more important to allow the tension and grey at times - even if it's more uncomfortable than the simple no. i thought this argument made sense. however, i've stepped back from conservative christianity and i'm wondering if the entire theology isn't a big NO. well, not necessarily a "no" to anything in particular, but a way to eliminate the grey in life to make it easier for ourselves.
if you say everyone is a sinner and there is only one way to be saved and that way is jesus, and that there is one text to get there... aren't you just making a rule that provides comfort and eliminates the need to leave tension and space for other possibilities? i understand in a way, because boy is it easier to believe you have the answer. the problem is that i just don't and can't believe it anymore.
when i was in my 20s, at different times i had peers ask me how i believed in god. i wasn't much on evangelizing, but a guy in law school once asked me at a party, "so you really believe in god, jesus, sin, salvation and the whole thing, huh?" he was a really nice guy and was asking as a friend, but also marveling somewhat as if to say, "i know you and you seem smart. how did this other part of you happen?" my answer was just an honest, "i can't remember not believing in god. maybe i was just born that way. and i didn't think about jesus or salvation until i heard it in my early 20s and it seriously felt like the missing and final piece slid into place." i'd shrug. it was just the way it felt.
looking back however, i still agree i always felt something bigger existed i.e., god or something that was working in the world, and i still do. but i honestly believe the sinner/salvation piece was because i was surrounded and inundated in the teaching of the theology. i am a person who wants to be a good student. i want to agree with people when possible, and i like to learn. so someone handing me a bible and saying it held all the answers was a dream come true for my natural bent.
i wonder sometimes what i might have thrown myself into instead of christianity if i'd been in a different country -- or even a different part of this country (other than the south). i'm wired to be part of a team and community and i've always joked i'd thrive in any cult. maybe a lot of us would and that is just a healthy sign of our need for connection as humans.