Dear Teenagers: Congratulations! It's the day of awakening when you realized your mom doesn't know the words to any song ever!
For years she was just this woman who drove you around town, threw snacks over her shoulder at your car seat, answered your questions while she put on mascara, and received honks and middle fingers from other drivers. But you just graduated to the front seat and realized almost none of what she is singing matches what is coming out of the car's speakers.
You never get to hear the beginning of any song released before 2003 because she is always describing where she she first heard it. She wants you to know every single thing that happened before you were born in case you receive a pop quiz on "My Mom's Musical Life Before I Existed"at school or something, or maybe she's preparing you for her eulogy, no one knows not even her. For example, the song "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock or, as she calls them, "Rob Bass and DJazzy Jeff," because things get scrambled in that head that always sports a ponytail.
What's interesting is that she admits she doesn't know all of the lyrics, yet she sings with great gusto. She mumbles over a lot of lines, but not in the cool mumble-rap way, but SHOUTS LOUDLY the few lyrics she's confident about...which are also wrong.
For example, did you know your mom first heard "It Takes Two" on her college visit to Wofford where she stayed with her friend Sherrard (that can't be a real name) and "we danced in the Phi Kappa Phi house late in the night to this song and it was so fun and maybe you'll go to Wofford one day too but only if you get a scholarship because that place was whoo-ee expensive and OH HERE COMES THE GOOD PART--
...BECAUSE I'M KNOWN TO ROCK THE MICROPHONE BECAUSE I GET STUPID I MEAN CONTAGIOUS STAY AWAY FROM ME STILL CONTAGIOUS .....CHOOSA...THE WAY THAT I RHYME AND I SEW...LET'S GO...
IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE THINGS GO RIIIIGHT, IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE IT OUTTA SIGHT [points finger at eyes] student loans are really expensive and it's different now, you know? Like the traditional four year degree isn't a thing you have to have but if you want it I support I'M ROB THE LAST NAME BASE...DON'T SMOKE BUDDHA CAN'T STAND SEX YES i never understood why he doesn't like sex TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT HIT THE DIRT I LIKE THE KIDS THE GUYS THE GIRLS THIS IS ROB BASS WORLD I'M ON MISSION AND I'M KISSIN'....
IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE THINGS GO RIIIIGHT back then liberal arts was a good choice and I'm still glad I have it I mean it teaches you to think and makes you well-rounded I think but if you want I can teach you that on the side and you can learn something practical like X-Raying DON'T NEED FRIENDS WHO ACT LIKE FOES BECAUSE I'M ROB BASS THE ONE WHO HOES ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME GET TEARY NOT CHEERY JUST HERE ME OUT CAUSE I GOT THE...........WHOOOOAH...................................................................................................................BIG MAC........................................................................................................................................................we are waiting for when he breaks it down, Honey, that's the best part of every song.......................................................................................................................................................it's coming.........................................................I think it is..................................................... shhh shhh almost...................................................................................................................READY NOW WHEN I COUNT TO THREE......1,2,3 GET BUSY NOW!! i mean LOOSE i meant loose, aw crap let's rewind it because that's the best part and I messed it up!"
And she will "rewind" it because she learned it on a cassette.
Oh sweet teenager, I almost hate to tell you; this is the song she knows the best.