The year everyone asked for mopeds for Christmas, I asked too. I wasn't going to be left home alone. We became a small bike gang of sixth graders. It was a good childhood.
I never thought about the fact that I was friends with boys until later. My girlfriends lived a few blocks away, and I spent time with them also. Sometimes they'd bike over and wander into the testosterone fray, or ride on the back of my moped. I had as many male friends as female friends, and I'm not sure I really noticed. I didn't have brothers, and being around boys was good for me, but if I'm honest, I never noticed that either. They were just humans.
In college and my 20s, working and hanging out with friends, life was the same. There were guys I dated, but also guys who were just friends.
Once I joined the conservative church in my 20s, the rules changed.
I didn't grow up in a conservative church, but I dived whole-heartedly into one in my mid 20s. That is where things started to get confusing. As a single person in that church, the doctrine discouraged dating between males and females. In fact, dating too seriously as a young adult was frowned upon. Friendship was the goal. Yes, marriage was the end goal, but you weren't really supposed to get too serious or saucy with anyone leading up to that. HOWEVER, once you snagged that spouse, all bets were off. If you ever heard the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" book or theory, you understand what I'm saying. Ironically, as soon as you were married, you had to Kiss All Your Male Friends Goodbye.
In the workplace, men and women were not supposed to meet alone. When people were outraged about former Vice President Mike Pence using that rule, I didn't blink. I'd heard that for years. I was also taught that a married person shouldn't sit in the car alone with someone of the opposite gender, could not send them an email or call them. You see how this impedes professional opportunities. And as for maintaining a friendship with someone of a different gender, that was impossible. But that was the point. Once you married, you weren't supposed to need anyone besides your other mom-friends and your husband.
After I was married, and attending women's bible studies, I read books and heard discussions from women, as well as men in church leadership, that doing things like complimenting a man's outfit or haircut could lead to trouble. Patting a man on the arm or back was also a problem. The fear was that if he received this kind of affirmation from someone besides his wife, he might feel drawn towards another woman.
I'd like to take this opportunity to ask if you've met my father or me. If so, your back is still recovering. We literally PAT THE LOVE INTO YOU. And if I've never noticed your clothing, you must not wear any, because my mother and I will talk to you about your outfit until you are able to escape. The Sandersons are patting and complimenting our way through life.
Since discarding these rules in my 40s, having friends of all genders and sexualities has been crucial to my life. I need friends with different perspectives and experiences. We all do. There are questions where I really need a male perspective, or a hetero perspective or a queer perspective or well, you get the idea. Mostly, I just need lots of different humans in my life. I don't need to be worrying that some are off limits dues to gender or any other random demographic. I have a son and a daughter. As a parent, you never know which opinion or insight will help you be a better parent.
Going forward, I'll be friends with the humans I love and trust. I won't give them up for anyone or any rule again. I've tried to teach my son and daughter the same. Spending time with only a small, isolated portion of the human race, in my opinion, leads to more division and misunderstanding. And as far as I can tell, our country can use less of that.
I didn't grow up in a conservative church, but I dived whole-heartedly into one in my mid 20s. That is where things started to get confusing. As a single person in that church, the doctrine discouraged dating between males and females. In fact, dating too seriously as a young adult was frowned upon. Friendship was the goal. Yes, marriage was the end goal, but you weren't really supposed to get too serious or saucy with anyone leading up to that. HOWEVER, once you snagged that spouse, all bets were off. If you ever heard the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" book or theory, you understand what I'm saying. Ironically, as soon as you were married, you had to Kiss All Your Male Friends Goodbye.
In the workplace, men and women were not supposed to meet alone. When people were outraged about former Vice President Mike Pence using that rule, I didn't blink. I'd heard that for years. I was also taught that a married person shouldn't sit in the car alone with someone of the opposite gender, could not send them an email or call them. You see how this impedes professional opportunities. And as for maintaining a friendship with someone of a different gender, that was impossible. But that was the point. Once you married, you weren't supposed to need anyone besides your other mom-friends and your husband.
After I was married, and attending women's bible studies, I read books and heard discussions from women, as well as men in church leadership, that doing things like complimenting a man's outfit or haircut could lead to trouble. Patting a man on the arm or back was also a problem. The fear was that if he received this kind of affirmation from someone besides his wife, he might feel drawn towards another woman.
I'd like to take this opportunity to ask if you've met my father or me. If so, your back is still recovering. We literally PAT THE LOVE INTO YOU. And if I've never noticed your clothing, you must not wear any, because my mother and I will talk to you about your outfit until you are able to escape. The Sandersons are patting and complimenting our way through life.
Since discarding these rules in my 40s, having friends of all genders and sexualities has been crucial to my life. I need friends with different perspectives and experiences. We all do. There are questions where I really need a male perspective, or a hetero perspective or a queer perspective or well, you get the idea. Mostly, I just need lots of different humans in my life. I don't need to be worrying that some are off limits dues to gender or any other random demographic. I have a son and a daughter. As a parent, you never know which opinion or insight will help you be a better parent.
Going forward, I'll be friends with the humans I love and trust. I won't give them up for anyone or any rule again. I've tried to teach my son and daughter the same. Spending time with only a small, isolated portion of the human race, in my opinion, leads to more division and misunderstanding. And as far as I can tell, our country can use less of that.