Several years ago, I placed a tiny sliver of an index card above my desk.
When I did something brave, something very challenging, took a step or action that would've stymied me in the past, I drew a tiny star on that paper. The star was a tiny something no one would understand but me.
The stars were not related to fitness, hobbies or any single goal. The way I earned them wouldn't make sense to most people. Most of the stars were for actions or choices you may make regularly by instinct or habit. I did not keep a record of each action or why it was difficult for me at that time. But make no mistake, those stars were hard-earned. My only goal with the star card was to remind myself that I was capable. "Of what?" you ask. And my answer is, "Just that: Capable."
When I did something brave, something very challenging, took a step or action that would've stymied me in the past, I drew a tiny star on that paper. The star was a tiny something no one would understand but me.
The stars were not related to fitness, hobbies or any single goal. The way I earned them wouldn't make sense to most people. Most of the stars were for actions or choices you may make regularly by instinct or habit. I did not keep a record of each action or why it was difficult for me at that time. But make no mistake, those stars were hard-earned. My only goal with the star card was to remind myself that I was capable. "Of what?" you ask. And my answer is, "Just that: Capable."
If you spend years relinquishing power to gods or other people, after awhile you don't know you have any of your own. Surrendering that strength and your own will sounds beautiful and selfless to some. To others, it sounds like shirking responsibility for your actions. I believe it can be both at different times. But even as an act of selflessness, it can become skewed. For me, the result was feeling like a marionette. And when the strings on a marionette are cut, it flops to the ground. And when you flop to the ground, you have to build or rebuild those weak legs to stand on your own.
The stars I gave myself were for each time I practiced standing. They reminded me I had tried using those standing muscles and succeeded. And even when I couldn't remember how I'd "stood" exactly, I'd see the card filling with stars. I'd see it, and I'd think, "Capable. Remember, you are capable of standing and choosing for yourself."
Today I noticed the card for the first time in awhile. That tells me something.
It tells me that at some point, making choices became more habitual. The muscles became a bit more developed. My instincts became more natural, and choosing things for myself was a muscle I'd used. Recording each one didn't seem so pressing.
Of course I noticed the card today, because I needed to be reminded. That's how things work, right? I was going to take it down, but instead I think I will just draw one more star so I remember that I remembered.
The stars I gave myself were for each time I practiced standing. They reminded me I had tried using those standing muscles and succeeded. And even when I couldn't remember how I'd "stood" exactly, I'd see the card filling with stars. I'd see it, and I'd think, "Capable. Remember, you are capable of standing and choosing for yourself."
Today I noticed the card for the first time in awhile. That tells me something.
It tells me that at some point, making choices became more habitual. The muscles became a bit more developed. My instincts became more natural, and choosing things for myself was a muscle I'd used. Recording each one didn't seem so pressing.
Of course I noticed the card today, because I needed to be reminded. That's how things work, right? I was going to take it down, but instead I think I will just draw one more star so I remember that I remembered.