However, in an effort to honor his sovereignty, or the universe's destiny, I think I skewed truth. I don't think his will was for me to live passively - to be like an empty shell on the ocean floor moved about with waves and currents - or to be like a dead leaf detached from it's life force, blown from spot to spot, all the while saying, Thank you, Thank you.
Those objects have their own sort of beauty and purpose, but first, they had a life, that god or the universe gave them, and that was created with delight. That shell held a creature once. That leaf sprouted on a living tree. THAT life - THAT purpose - that's what I should be doing and living and building.
I didn't know a life was something I helped build. Regardless, life has been happening. I've had sooo much. I couldn't be more grateful for and in love with my kids and the people around me. I just didn't know I had power or choices I was supposed to use. I thought making choices was selfish. I thought it was competing with or insulting god's power. I believed he'd make all of the choices for me if I just sat still and prayed. Sometimes, he did. But when he wants you to choose or live, and you don't, someone else will. And you can become lost in the waves and the wind.
I don't think he's angry that I've been confused, but I think he's been waiting.
Patiently.
But, it's time.
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| from Mary Oliver's "Upstream" |