Part 3: My Year in Comedy: From Standing Up to Lying Down...in the Fetal Position

My first open mic...
My usual motto is "If a story's worth telling, it's worth exaggerating." 
But for this one, I won't need to.

February 2013, The Idiot Box, Greensboro

Pam to Pam:
"It's dark in here.  Really dark. 
There are no other mothers here. 
Wait, there are no other women here. 
That guy at the bar wants you to pay him.  Focus.
Hey, he's the guy you saw do a Friday night show. 
He's familiar.  He talked about Hoarders. 
He said the f-word a lot...like a lot a lot. 
Like the most you've ever heard the f-word, and as the most parts of speech you've ever heard.  Impressive really. 

Okay, you've got a beer.  You're casual, you're hanging, you totally look comfortable. 
You're pulling this off.
Except for being 40 and the only female. 
You are not pulling this off.

Just go sit down and quit looking so female.
Sit close to the stage.
Wait, why isn't anyone sitting near the stage? Isn't that where the show is? 
Everyone is sitting in the back and writing on scraps of paper. 
What are they writing?  Crap.  Why didn't I bring scraps of paper?
Why doesn't anyone want to sit in the front where they can hear and see better?
'Because they're 24 and they can see and hear from across the street if they want to, you nerd.'
I sound just like those older back-to-school adults I knew in law school who always sat in the front of the class.  'Going to get my money's worth this time around.'
Sigh. 
That seems about right.
I'll sit in the front.

It's starting.  It's starting.
F-word is going to the stage.
Whoa.  He just said a lot more words you haven't heard much.
Oof.  Those are uncomfortable.
Wow.
Mercy.
Yikes.
Wait -- that one was really funny.
That one too.  I think I could use that one in context if I needed to.

Oh look!  Girls came.
Three young very-short-haired college girls.
They all look the same.
And are sketching in journals (hm...interesting). 
Just few gals out on the town sketching.
I feel metropolitan.
This beer is delicious, and it came with my ticket,
which means it was like a free beer.
So I can get another one...and another one, and it's almost like I'm saving money.
And I'm going to right now..."

(to be continued).
 



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