Many of you think that sounds ridiculous, cultish, and terrifying, but to me, it was the most rational argument. The building blocks made sense to me. I'd hear:
1) "If you're going to believe there's a god, wouldn't you want it to be an all powerful god? Otherwise, why bother believing?"
And
2) "Wouldn't that god give you his words to live by to help you in life? Of course, here's the Bible."
And finally,
3) "If you're going to follow a god and a text, wouldn't you only do that if you believed they were both infallible? Of course you would, you're too intellectual to follow something fallible."
And when I'd read or hear things that sounded crazy or inapplicable or wrong, the answer was, "Obviously God knows everything and we are only human. How can we understand all of God's thoughts and teachings and will? Trust they're true, and follow them now on earth. You will grow to understand them, or you will understand in heaven."
Again, many people read the above and think, "Watch out, Leah Remini. I see where this is going."
See how every question ends with an indisputable response, if you buy into the first tenets? But if you are a person who likes logical answers, it is logical. Take one young woman in law school in 1996, add a rational argument that comes with a textbook and you get a match made in heaven.
Or you get a recipe for confusion and pain.
There is good and bad to embracing a sovereign, hands-on god. Or rather, I should say "being embraced by such a god." Remember I mentioned predestination. An omniscient and omnipotent god already knows who will follow him, so if you made it this far, he chose you and not vice versa. And I'm not being snarky; that was a comfort to me most of the time. If I hadn't created my own faith, I couldn't ditch it accidentally. And anyone who has "been saved," has worried at times that they somehow "un-did" their salvation, or it "didn't take the first time." Work with a middle school youth group sometime, and hear them voice this fear over and over: out of the mouth of babes comes every adult's fear.
Once you believe you followed God because God made you, it is no leap to believe he ordered your circumstances and relationships as well. Before you were saved you were dead in your sins. A dead man can't do anything, but be dead. God must breathe the breath of life into him/her. This was my favorite quote by the way. Not to brag, but I am really good at learning "right answers." And if you know me, I'm super participatory, so I was the first one with my hand up in every bible study and small group. Okay, we all know I didn't raise my hand, because I'm always too jacked up on caffeine and just blurt things out, so it was more like, "Adeadmancan'tdoanythingbutdieuntilGodbreatheslifeintohim.Goldstarplease."
Before people think I've lost my faith, or turned against everything I believed, I need to tell you something VERY VERY IMPORTANT TO ME TODAY:
Maybe I am wrong.
All of the conservative doctrine may be true.
There may be a hell.
God may control every single thing including my ability to even believe in a supernatural creator.
Maybe sexuality and genders matter a lot.
Maybe not making wedding cakes for sinners is the sword to fall on (okay that was snarky).
But y'all...
I just don't care.
There's too much at stake.
And frankly, it all just seems...wrong.
And if something feeling wrong isn't a good enough answer, and it'll send me to hell in a hand basket, I
Just
Don't
Care
.
I mean, I care about you. I pray for my people. I see the world and I love it. I love it sooo much. I believe only a loving artist could have made it and us.
Someday, I may tell people again, "Consider the lilies. See how they neither toil nor spin?" But I will never again tell them to consider hell. To be fair, I was never big on hell anyway, nor evangelizing. I hate confrontation and conflict, so I like to believe I didn't do too much damage outside my family.
But y'all, I took my tiny children to classes and preschool where they heard graphic descriptions about Jesus dying on a cross. They heard about the whips, the nails. They heard that his father did it to his son, because of them, so they wouldn't have to get that and much worse in hell. They heard they were born enemies of god with no good in them until they were saved by Jesus, and Jesus had to go through horror and hell for them.
I have the most clever children. They are teenagers now; they question things, and I'm glad, but they admit that they've spent plenty of time worrying about hell. Unfortunately, they will in the future too. I know, because I will. I had the benefit of not even being taught the concept until I was 25. They were exposed before their minds were fully formed. I can't undo that for them. And some of you are thinking, "It's scary, yes, but hell is real. It's good they know."
Y'all.
Y'aaaaal. No.
We don't even let them see inappropriate movies, hear about sex, or say mild curse words until they are older. Yet, we pour that fear of hell right into them. The love of god we think we pour into them along with it, in my opinion, is no compensation at that age.
At any age.
I feel like I've gotten off topic now. There is coffee involved.
When my ex-husband met me, he said I was one of the most conservative people he'd ever met. My father-in-law asked me once about free will. He asked, "Does it really matter if you chose God or he chose you?" I actually gasped. "Of course it does! It makes all the difference about what type of god you believe you're following! Why would you follow one that didn't have that much power!"
Bless his heart.
Bless mine. I was an earnest little thing. I wanted to do things so so very right. I wanted to please that god so much. I never believed I was successful, but I don't think the god I was picturing was accurate anyway.
And that's my point. I don't want to spend time anymore studying to find verses about hell and seeing if it's real. I don't want to find verses to back up beliefs that homosexuality or transgender issues are wrong. I don't want to study the bible to follow a god that I believe has all the power, and I have zero.
For me, the more power I gave that misconstrued view of god, the less I felt capable of anything. I felt completely de-selfed and powerless. Maybe it isn't supposed to work that way. I heard teaching that it truly is NOT intended to have that effect...
but it did. It can. And that's enough for me to ditch it.
Because a person who believes they have no power and no self, can get into a lot of trouble. A lot of shit happens that does NOT have to happen. Don't go looking for sanctification or creating messes and then say, "God works it all for good." Because he might, does NOT mean you were right.
So for now, I will err on the side of loving. I will believe in a broad, wide non-detailed love. I can live with the discomfort of not knowing answers for things. And it is uncomfortable sometimes. But too much is at stake, for me to grab onto answers for comfort.
My kids can believe what they want. Their beliefs will grow and develop and change over time like all of ours. They know they are free to question, and I believe in a creator who is totally comfortable with questions, belief, and even disbelief. He's no wimp; don't get too worried about him.
If I'm honest, since I have stepped outside of the conservative doctrine, life has made so much more sense. Had anyone told me that a few years ago, I would have sworn they were wrong. And if you worry about me, pray for me. I believe in prayer, and I believe in a Creator.
I have a pretty hard time using the male pronoun Him for that creator though, so this whole essay has made my spleen ache a tiny bit.
I better go pour some more coffee on it.
