I share this because I know I'm not the only one. Maybe I can take the pressure off someone else.
I've met a handful of humans with similar experiences, and I don't even get out much. If I frequented somewhere besides coffee shops and laundromats, I'd probably know even more similar humans.
Some of us were deep in conservative Christian churches, deep in the bible, totally committed to the gospel, even teaching it to groups.
Then something happened.
The people I'm thinking of underwent some sort of life tragedy or a significant experience that made them question their theology. Again, I only know a handful, but I have big hands. The ones I know, for one reason or another, began wondering if they'd mixed up their beliefs about god in their own minds. They aren't always sure whether they sat under confusing bible teaching, or just skewed it in applying it to their own lives. These friends aren't always anti-religion, but they are wary. I hear them say things like, "I may go back to church in the future...but right now? No. I'm just not ready."
The friends to whom I'm referring, end up feeling more open to the idea that god can be in more than one religion, or in no religion at all. They find themselves using terms like "tolerance" and "spirituality even outside of god," which frankly would have been taboo for them in the past, clear signs they were "back-sliding" and "watering down their faith," traveling down a slippery slope to trouble. The new feelings for them are simultaneously good and weird and naughty. That's confusing, because these used to be the "good kids with the right answers." In the past, their only intentions were to follow god and try to do god's will in their limited, "sinful" ability. But at some point, they feel like they got burned by life, and wonder if it was their fault because they misapplied doctrine.
As someone who has taken a break from church, I admit I miss it sometimes. Often I revel in having stepped away. I feel right; I feel wrong; I feel neutral, depending on the day. And that's okay.
At times I have felt guarded against god, afraid to read the bible, and not trusting myself to be able to discern and apply what's in there. But because I was such a committed bible student, without that regular study, I feel lost at times not trusting myself to know...well...how to live. It feels like having a rug yanked out from under you, but knowing you don't want to re-tuck that rug exactly as it was.
That's an uncomfortable feeling, but that too is okay. I don't want to talk about reading the bible really; I want to talk about Jesus.
I wasn't raised in a conservative church. I really only delved into conservative doctrine in my 20s and forward. But boy did I delve. Because when I delve, I DELVE. For the last two decades, I was taught and believed, you have two choices in dealing with Jesus:
1) You can believe he is the messiah and son of god; or
2) You can believe he was a mad man who was crazy and just claimed he was the messiah.
The idea is that you choose him as savior, or you don't because he was crazy. The teaching is to point out that religions or people who say they respect Jesus as a person, but don't believe he died for their sins are wrong, i.e., "You can't have your cake unless you eat it."
This has caused a lot of angst for me recently.
Until Friday morning.
In the past year, as I've been leery of the bible and doctrine I believed so fervently the last two decades. I've shied away from Jesus. When I pray, which I do even though I feel a bit confused about prayer this year, I haven't really addressed Jesus. I used to picture him standing at the right hand of god, listening and advocating for me. Now I'm not sure where god is...where Jesus is...whether god is just everywhere or specifically in heaven...whether Jesus is everywhere or specifically in heaven. Or maybe he roamed off to the break room to get a snack and give me some alone time with god, because he knows he's making me feel squirmy.
But see? That's the thing I've decided about Jesus.
He's the kind of guy that would understand if you feel squirmy. People might say, "NO. HE DEMANDS YOU MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT HIM. YOU CAN'T STRADDLE THE FENCE." And you know what I say to that? Hush. Sit still, Honey. Even if you're right, you aren't in charge of his timetable or mine. You've got a book, but you aren't him and you aren't me.
This is what I do know.
I've been squirmy for months. But Friday morning when I was really struggling and kept thinking, "No one knows exactly how I'm feeling this moment. I know some great people, but there really is no one I want to tell about how I'm feeling just now." I pulled the blanket over my head and cried and smelled my smelly dog and talked to Jesus. And whether he heard me or not, whether he is the son of god or not, from everything I know about him as a person, I just know he'd come right under that blanket fort and smell that dog and not complain. He'd say, "Keep talking. I get it. I understand the pain and the filth in this world." And I do not believe he'd stand outside the blanket saying, "First tell me your theology about me before I decide to come into that fort."
And for the first time, I understood why Christians and non-Christians can feel comfortable with him.
I don't know how I'll feel about religion or church in another month, year or decade. But I think I feel good about Jesus again.
And that's enough.