fragile

every sunday I think about church...how i'm not there much lately, and how I haven't taken the kids.
it's such a contrast to how deeply we were immersed for years.
is it passive to abstain?  to exercise my right not to go?  the right I never knew I had?
is it bad parenting? 
hmmm...I guess that depends on what you want.
[rubs tired eyes and scratches over-analyzing head]...
I want them to know they are loved, and that attendance is not a pre-requisite for being loved.
to be fair, I've not been a part of churches that stated that as a rule.  however, if you dress it up and say, "well, god doesn't REQUIRE that you go, he just wants you to go because you shouldn't skip gathering together with his people.  it will edify you and build you up.  you will learn about him and the world."
true or not, that feels awfully close to a pre-requisite.
I won't put that on my children just now, not while even i'm still struggling to believe god isn't mad at me if I don't go.
for now, I will take a rest from the study.  a break from digging and reading and finding him in a book.  I will risk finding him in faces and flowers, in quiet and music.  if he's in you...in me...in us, he will find me.  i'm safe.
feeling guilty about poor attendance isn't the "holy spirit convicting."  it's a product of subtle pressure placed on a very exhausted rule-following, people pleaser.
don't get the two mixed up.
and, if possible, please be very cautious not to mix up anyone else.
there are a lot of us out here who are fragile.