Global Warming, End Times & Miley Cyrus' Navel Ring

Global Warming:

Are we doing it? Is God doing it?

At the end of the day, I think there is one thing we can all agree on...
We don’t want to drive a Prius to save the world; it is shaped like a suppository.

Also, if there is a Rapture and I'm left behind, I don't want to be in a Smart car when that guy's empty Hummer crashes into me.

Is it wrong that I'm not worked up about global warming? Perhaps. I'm not worked up about much that happens outside of my own family. I think that's what you call "self-centered." I should be more "outward focused," but I just can't work up enough energy to start a fight with people I don't know.

Global warming? I'm always cold anyway; bring it on.

There is one place I find myself potentially becoming a crazy picket line lady: the grocery store magazine rack.  I know it is probably because my children have reached the eye level of Miley Cyrus' navel ring on a magazine cover, so really, I guess I'm still being self-centered.

I heard on the radio that children are sponges (we've all heard that before). However, I heard an argument for explaining certain things to your children, so that you are the one who fills their sponge. Then later, when they hear from classmates about sex, etc., any false or skewed information sort of rolls off their sponge.

I liked that idea...until my seven-year-old daughter stood in front of the grocery store magazine rack with an alluring woman on the front, and asked me what "sexy" meant. How do you explain that one?

I explained that "sexy" is for marriage. It's sort of a "Come hither," look. (You should always define one confusing word with more confusing words).

"What does 'come hither' mean?"
"'Come hither' means 'Come over here for something special...some...some...Mike & Ikes."
"Why would she share her Mike & Ikes?"
"She shouldn't--unless she gets married."
"You have to share your Mike & Ikes when you get married?"
"Yes, but it's okay. You want to by then."

"But what if you don't feel like it?"
"You often don't. Sometimes you're too tired and---
"I'm never sharing my Mike & Ikes."
"Good. Don't."
"I'm never getting married."

"Then don't give any of those 'sexy' looks, or someone might want to share your candy."

Sponge filled.

But "sexy" is everywhere, people, and on EVERY magazine cover. Okay, not Cat Fancy or American Quilt, but who could notice those when everyone else is trying to give away their Mike & Ikes?

I have not seen the earliest issues of Playboy, but I have this feeling they were tamer than what we see on the grocery store rack.  What I especially hate right now are the covers where the women always look as if they are in the process of taking their clothes a graceful way. The sporty girl in the wet suit shirt has her fingers hooked on the hem of the top as if she's about to ease it up and over her head.

Have you worn a wet suit? I know that as soon as they snapped her photo, two burly women had to help her get out of that tight shirt with the tiny neck hole, leaving her head temporarily shaped like a newborn's. They should show that part. That would cool our jets.

Or consider the models who always have their thumb hooked into their waistband easing it down just a bit...

"Why is she doing that, Mommy?"

"Maybe she had a big lunch. You know how Pappaw always tugs on his pants after dinner? Oh, see look. She did. She had a Triscuit. I can see the corner poking out in her waist. Wow, there just wasn't room for an entire Triscuit in there."

 We're a little out of control. I just want everyone to simmer down.  I want us to quit giving out our Mike & Ikes so easily, or at least appearing as if we want to.

Let's wait until we get married to invite people hither.  By the time we get hither, we won't be so concerned about how good one person's Mike & Ikes are compared to another person's. We'll just be pleased to be part of the whole transaction.